They're Nerdier Sane
by Spider London
Summary: So, I wanted to have Harley, Eddie, Jervis and Crane debate about which one of their research is better so I decided to make it where they were all sane in an AU. The first few chapters will be showing the characters in their jobs and how they are sane, eventually they will become friends and annoy each other a bunch
1. Jervis Tetch

_A/N: This was the story I was trying to think of for a while now. It's an AU where Jervis Tetch, Edward Nigma, Harleen Quinzel and Jonathon Crane are, mostly, sane and have good jobs. The only two jobs I changed were for Crane(working at Arkham) and Nigma(a puzzle videogame designer) but the rest have the jobs they had before they went insane in the canon. Probably very OOC because I suck._

 _The characters belong to DC Comics... The first bit of this chapter I'll have to admit to give credit to Batman The Animated Series since I slightly failed at coming up with a better idea ^^;_

 _x-x-x-x_

Inside a glass cage four white mice with little hats on their heads were scurrying around minding their own business when a small table with a white table cloth and a small thing tea and teacups on top of it was put inside of the cage. One mouse sniffed the new items curiously before simply walking across the table without a care that it was spilling the tea.

A disappointed sigh was heard from a researcher that was watching the mice from the outside of the cage, "No, no... That simply won't do..." He muttered as he set the teapot back on top of the tiny table. The man was had light blonde hair, blue eyes and was wearing a lab coat with a white undershirt and a nice black tie that was loose on his neck and jeans.

He watched the mice for a bit longer before shaking his head, "Perhaps this will help." He mused as he put a headband on his head before watching as the little hats on the mice heads light up and the creatures perked up and their ears twitched for a moment before they scurried over to the table before standing on their hind legs as one of the mice began to pour the tea into the teacups and the mice began to sip the tea calmly. The researcher's face brightened up as he did a small jump of joy at the accomplishment, "O frabjous day! Calloh! Callay!" He shouted joyfully after seeing that his experiment was a success. He had been working on the project of giving another a suggestion through the mind for almost a year now with various complications which made him rework the wiring countless of times with the boss of his department, or as he likes to call her 'The Red Queen', continually warning him to get everything figured out or it'd be 'Off with his head!' He sighed in relief as he placed his arm on top of the cage and laid his forehead on it as he observed the mice drink the tea with a small proud grin on his face.

"Seems like you finally got all the kinks out of your prototype, Mr. Tetch." A deep voice made Tetch jump in surprise before spinning around on his heels to face a taller, black-haired man who gave him a smile along with the Red Queen who was scrowling at him, it seemed like that was the only expression she was capable of making.

"Finally." The Queen scoffed as she crossed her arms.

Tetch frowned slightly at what his boss said before taking the headband off and shyly looked up at the black-haired man, who incidentally owned the company he worked at, Bruce Wayne, "I-I have, indeed, sir..." He responded timidly as he moved off to the side so Bruce and the Queen could approach the cage that held the mice, "I-I could have t-them do something, if you w-wish..." He offered with a nervous stutter.

Bruce probably could tell how nervous Tetch was since he gave him a reassuring smile and shook his head, "No need. I just wanted to check up on your progress since I found your ideas very intriguing." He mused with a genuine interested look that made the researcher a bit more motivated than usual, "I'm just glad to see that your progress has been a success so far. I hope to see more from you in the future."

"Y-yes, Mr. Wayne!" Tetch said with a small proud smile, "I promise not to let you down!"

Bruce smiled warmly and nodded at that, "But I think you can continue tomorrow, for now I insist you call it a night before you exhaust yourself... Again." He chuckled softly at how many times he remembered seeing the researcher leaving the building just minutes before the night guards would turn on the alarms and lock the place up. Each and every time he seemed completely tired from all of his work.

Tetch smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck, "R-right... I'll just clean up then go." He told him as he covered the mice cage before glancing back at Bruce, "...I promise to actually go this time." He added quickly after noticing the smirk and raised eyebrow. Bruce nodded before turning and walking out of Tetch's office with the Queen in tow.

The Red Queen stopped before glancing at Tetch, "...Alright, you're better than I thought, Jervis." She admitted hesitantly, she never cared to say praises to anyone but she can't deny he deserved it this time, "Maybe tomorrow you can start working on those cards you mentioned?" She asked before leaving the room, closing the door on the way out.

Jervis couldn't help but smile a bit more with more pride as he started to hum the Happy Unbirthday song from _Alice in Wonderland_ while he started to move around the room and clean it up before he left for the night like Bruce asked of him.

x-x-x-x

 _Okay so I know it may not be the best but I am trying my hardest to keep Jervis in character while making it where he won't become the Mad Hatter. He has no secretary in this story but he will have an Alice, albeit not as a love interest._


	2. Edward Nigma

A man sat behind a desk that had the nameplate on it that said 'E. Nigma', brightened lamp, a computer that he was working on, and a notepad that he glanced at every once in a while. He was alone in the room since all of the other employees who worked there had already left due to how late it was and they all probably wanted to be back with their families. The red-haired man didn't care about leaving himself since he didn't have anyone to go home to and besides he wanted so badly to get his game done, the very thought of it being completed and people playing it made him incredibly excited that he had spent the last couple of weeks working hard on it.

"Boss?" A female voice made Edward stop what he was working on and look up at the woman who spoke to him. Her name was London Day, she had short, brown hair that curled at her ears, hazel eyes and was wearing casual work attire that was a light blue blouse and semi-dressy black pants. She was one of his employees who he enjoyed her work almost as much as he did but that didn't mean she didn't know when to stop for the night, she often even persuaded him to stop as well.

"Ah, Mrs. Day." He sighed softly as stretched his arms above his head before putting them on his desk, his hands entwined with each other, as he gave her a slight smile, "To what do I have the pleasure of you coming to visit me at such a late hour? Shouldn't you be at home with your family?" He asked with a raised eyebrow, he already knew why but he figured it'd be better to ask.

She crossed her arms and huffed a bit, "I will be. Once I convince you to go home too, Mr. Nigma." She stated matter-of-factly, "It's been almost three hours since everyone else left, sir, don't you think it's about time you should too?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose a bit, he didn't wish to admit it but he did feel rather exhausted after doing almost non-stop working today, being the head of Competitron also made it tough since he had to settle arguments, make sure his employees knew what to do and ran meetings, it was hardly an easy job to say the least, "I can't refuse, can I?" At that she simply smirked and shook her head, he always found it rather funny at how she could act so smug with him even though he was her boss, "Alright... Then how about a deal, hm?" He offered with a smirk of his own.

She snorted a little, she didn't even have to ask what the basis of the deal would be and she could already guess what each side was, "A deal? Let me guess... If I answer a riddle correctly you'll go home as I insist and if I'm wrong I leave you be?"

He couldn't help but laugh at how she knew so easily what the deal would be, "Well, of course!" He nodded as his smirk grew, his passion for riddles was completely obvious and people enjoyed playing along whenever they were also in the mood for it, he never pushed anyone to play the game with him but he enjoyed it when they did even though he usually won, "You in?" She chuckled softly before answering him with a nod. He grinned before saying the riddle for her,  
"I'm not pants but I have pockets;  
I can't dance but I have four legs.  
I come in different sizes depending on the size of the room.  
What am I?"

He smirked and crossed his arms as he watched look down at the ground and start to think about the riddle. She was muttering to herself quietly as she tried to figure out the answer. After a bit she went quiet, looked up at him and grinned proudly, "A pool table! It has pockets for the pool balls to go in, it's a table so it stands on four legs and there are different sizes of the table." She answered confidently, she knew she was right when the man in green nodded in confirmation.

"You always have been pretty good at the riddles I've given you. I must say I'm impressed, you might be almost as smart as I." He chuckled. His oversized ego, that was his major flaw. Though most people just smile politely and shrug whenever he became too egotistical, no one wanted to insult him because they did realize he was quite smart and it was a benefit for everyone to just let him be.

The brunette was not one of those who just shrugged it off, "Yes, because you certainly are a _genius_." She muttered sarcastically but didn't feel the real need to bug him too much about it anymore since she really just wanted to get him out for the night and herself back to her husband and children, "Thank you, boss, it's kind of you to think so." She said in a louder volume so he could hear her, "For now, I won the deal so you said you'll go home now. I'll trust you to keep your word since I shall take my leave now, goodbye." She mused before waving at him then left the room.

Edward watched her leave with a slight smile before looking back at his desk as he began to pack up for the night, he was a man of his word and she had answered the riddle correctly.

x-x-x-x

 _A/N: Okay, I don't often put OCs in fanfiction but I figured Eddie would be someone who wouldn't quit working unless someone told him to do so. London will most likely never appear again unless I need her to do something for Eddie. Please review :)_


	3. Jonathon Crane

_**Wake up, fool.**_ A voice sneered in the head of the sleeping brunette man. The man was rather scrawny and a blue eye could be seen as he opened one of his eyes until it was just half-lidded, _**Crane. Wake the hell up.**_ The voice demanded again with a slight growl which finally made the man open both of his eyes reluctantly and pushed himself into a sitting position.

"No need to have an alarm clock when I have you, Scarecrow..." Crane grumbled quietly as he stretched a little before standing and moving to the coffee pot to get himself a cup so he could wake up more successfully. As the coffee started to brew he went to change into his work clothes which consisted of a light blue button down shirt, black tie, khaki pants and a white doctor's coat which carried his name tag that showed everyone that he was a criminal psychologist at Arkham Asylum named 'Dr. Jonathon Crane'. He placed his square framed glasses on his face as he went back over to the coffee pot to pour the freshly brewed drink into a mug.

 _ **It's that time of the month.**_

Crane raised an eyebrow at that, knowing full well what Scarecrow was referring to but he couldn't resist a joke, "Oh? I didn't realize I became a female as I slept." He mused sarcastically as he leaned backwards on the counter behind him. He could hear a low growl from his alternate personality and Crane was sure that if he could he would've facepalmed as well which caused him to chuckle lightly, "But, yes, I understand that today I- you- get to experiment... Thankfully, I will not be alone as I do so..." He murmured the last bit before taking a sip of his coffee.

 _ **That bitch is going to ruin the experiment again...**_ Scarecrow grumbled in annoyance as he remembered all the times that Jonathon's assistant and friend always stopping his experiments at the very peak of their successes which had always pissed him off.

"Exactly. I can't allow you to cause to the subjects any more fear and suffering than needed." Crane explained as he sipped more of his drink, "Also, that bitch is my friend, I will not let you harm her." He growled a bit angrily at how Scarecrow spoke about his friend before he glanced at the time before sighing, "For now, leave me be until the experiments start. I wish to work in peace." All he heard was a grunt in understanding, which was all he needed before he started to head for work.

x-x-x-x

 _A/N: Alright, yes, Dr. Crane is mostly sane in this but his childhood was still one of being bullied by the other kids and his grandmother so his alternate personality of Scarecrow did manifest itself but thanks to Dr. Quinzel who has been friends with him ever since she studied under him during his last semester as professor of psychology in Gotham University he was able to get a friend to help him fight against Scarecrow and keep him at bay during work._


	4. Harleen Quinzel

_A/N: Harleen is hard to write x.x_

x-x-x-x

A young blonde woman was sitting on top of her desk in her office of Arkham Asylum while reading the files of the patients she would be speaking to that day- _Sally... Calumn... Jak... and Ventriloquist... Damn, Arnold seems to have gotten Scarface taken from him again... That'll certain make him harder to speak to..._ She thought with a sigh as her baby blue eyes scanned through the file of Arnold Wesker otherwise known as Ventriloquist, a man who suffers from dissociation identity disorder which manifests in the dummy who he calls Scarface. The man was an interesting case due to how his mental disorder helped him become a wonderful ventriloquist, even his voice changes from his normal high, timid tone to one more gruff and deeper, it was amazing how his voice never seemed to get tired from the change.

She shook her head a bit as she closed Arnold's file before starting to scan through the files of the patients that were much more likely to become legally sane in at most a few years and at the least a few months, that is if they can stay in Arkham for that long. Though she only had one patient escape from the asylum this week... for now, of course. She had already figured she needed to be ready for any changes to her schedule this week due to how often the inmates escaped through the door of this place.

She sighed softly as she put the files down on her desk before getting up and moving over to her chair where she sat down to get ready for her first patient to be delivered to her by the guards which would be any second now...

"Dr. Quinzel, we have Arnold Wesker here." Ah, there he was.

Her blue eyes glanced at the door as she spoke in a deep, mature voice, "Come on in."

She watched as two male guards shoved a small man into her office and onto the seat in front of her desk. Arnold seemed very nervous with his eyes glancing around all over the place before looking down at the ground without even making eye contact with her once, his hands seemed to be twitching with the obvious want to be holding Scarface.

Dr. Quinzel observed that for a moment before looking up at the guards, "I believe I don't have to even have to explain why he won't be dangerous to me without his dummy." She told them as she motioned towards the nervous man sitting in front of her, "You two may now leave my office now. I will call you in when the session is over, thank you." The guards knew she wasn't giving them an option so they just nodded before moving out of her office, closing the door on their way out.

She looked down at Arnold again, "Alright... Now, Arnold, how are you feeling?"

x-x-x-x

 _A/N: Alright, that's the best I can do for now. If anyone has any tips for Harleen then I'll happily look at them!_


	5. Invitation to a Meeting

Dr. Quinzel was just finishing up her notes on the last patient she had when she heard someone knock on her door which caused her to look up at the wooden door, "Come in." She told whoever was outside of her office while taking off her black rimmed glasses and put them on top of her desk.

An older, dark skinned woman entered her office with a tired smile on her face, "Hello, Harleen, I came to talk to you about a few things." Harleen's blue eyes met with her boss's black eyes as she raised an eyebrow in curiousity, "First, you got two new patients to meet this week." She started as she placed two files on the younger girl's desk.

The blonde looked down at the files and read off the names, "'Waylon Jones' and 'Mary Louise Dahl'..." She muttered as she read off the names before she looked back up the black haired woman, "Killer Croc and Baby Doll, Joan?" She asked as if trying to get a confirmation, which came as a nod. She sighed softly, "Mary I can do. But are you certain about Croc? He's known to try to eat some of the previous doctors that he was assigned to..." She said with obvious uncertainty in her voice.

Joan smiled reassuringly at the intern as she went up to her and put a hand on her shoulder gently, "You've been showing promise, Harley, and I believe you can take on some of the tougher cases now." She told her which caused her to give a small smile and a nod. The older doctor smiled and nodded as she backed away from her as the blonde looked through Waylon's file, "I also needed to ask if you'll be free tonight?"

Harleen paused before looking up at the black eyes that belonged to her boss, "Uh... Yes, I am. Why?" She asked with a slight surprised look at the sudden question.

"I know it's sudden but our benefactor, Bruce Wayne, invited the psychiatrists to a meeting at his office to talk about a new therapy he wants us to try." Joan explained as she crossed her arms over her chest, "Dr. Arkham has already accepted the invitation and he wants everyone to come so we can all have an opinion on it."

Harley nodded slowly as she thought it over, "Yes, I believe I can go as well. Might as well check Mr. Wayne's idea out." She agreed after taking a few moments to think it over.

Joan nodded at that before her smile turned a bit sheepish, "Think you can convince Dr. Crane to come along as well? You seem to be the only one capable of convincing that man into doing anything social, other than talking to his patients."

Harley chuckled softly at the request, "I'll do my best, Joan." She nodded as she stood up and placed her glasses back on her face, "Speaking of which, I need to meet up with him so I can help him out with those experiments of his." She said as she went to the door and opened it for Joan and herself.

"Right. Just make sure he doesn't take those experiments too far, alright?" Joan asked as she left Harleen's office followed by Harley.

"Of course."

x-x-x-x

"C'mon, Professor Crane! It could be interestin'!" Harley told Jonathan in a slightly higher pitch than before as she watched him bind Harvey Dent to a bed that Dr. Arkham had the guards place down in the basement of the asylum so the scrawny man could do his experiments without anyone else interrupting him, aside from Harley, of course.

Jonathan groaned a bit as he spared a glance at the young blonde girl who was now trying to convince him to go to a meeting that Bruce Wayne was apparently holding tonight, "Yes, child, it could be. For you. I rather just stay at home after work rather than listen to some rich boy talk about things he doesn't know." He replied curtly which made her frown a bit. He looked back down at Harvey, "You sure that you are fine with being my volunteer for this experiment, Mr. Dent?"

Harvey looked at him with an annoyed look, "My coin already said 'yes' so go ahead." He answered gruffly. The brunette nodded before signaling to Harley that she needed to cover her mouth and nose, which she did along with himself. Once he covered his nose and mouth he took out a mist spray which he used used to spray an orange mist at the man who called himself Two-Face.

Jonathan watched as Harvey started to look fearful and yell in fear, _Go ahead._ He thought to Scarecrow as he felt his other personality trying to take over.

Harley looked over at her friend as she uncovered her mouth and nose, she watched as his face went from his normal expression to a wicked grin and a look of amusement. She sighed before looking at her watch as she waited for five minutes to pass.

 **"So, what does the former district attorney fear?"** Scarecrow asked as he watched Harvey twitch and struggle in his restraints. He got no answer only whimpers and quiet mutterings from the man, which disappointed him but did not stop him from enjoying the sight of the fear in Harvey's eyes.

After a bit Harley grabbed the antidote from out of the pocket of her white coat before walking over to Harvey, only to be stopped by a hand grabbing her wrist tightly. She looked up to see Scarecrow trying to stop her which caused her to narrow her eyes at him, "Let me go, Scarecrow." She demanded as she tried to wrench her wrist from him but when he refused she sighed, "Why does it always have to come to this?" She murmured before using a foot to swipe at his feet and cause him to trip onto the ground hard while letting go of her wrist which gave her perfect timing to administer the antidote to Harvey which immediately calmed him down but left him in a dazed state.

Scarecrow grumbled as he stood back up, **"Why can't you ever just let the fear take the subjects over?"**

"Two reasons." The blonde started as she threw away the syringe in a nearby trash can, "Because I rather not let Johnathan get fired and I prefer not to have my friend get thrown in here too when it's obvious he doesn't need to be here." She explained as she looked back at the brunette.

The brunette rolled his eyes a bit at that, **"You can't protect him forever, you know."**

"Let's see about that..." She mumbled softly as she watched as Scarecrow turn back into Jonathan which made her smile.

The scrawny man looked back at her with a sheepish grin, "You know... Maybe going to that meeting will be better than staying home..."


End file.
